Portal:Quotes

This page is a collection of quotes highlighting some of the many funny or memorable lines from the Chuck TV series organized by episode.  The show collected 32 various award nominations during its tenure including Best Network Television Series.

Season One

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Casey [after he shoots Bryce]: Don't move.

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Chuck [to Morgan]: Did you spike the punch?
Morgan: Something goes wrong, you blame me. After all these years, where's the trust? Yes, I did.

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Sarah: Wow, I didn't think people still named their kids Chuck. Or Morgan, for that matter.
Chuck: My parents were sadists, and carnival freaks found him in a dumpster.
Morgan: But they raised me as one of their own.

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Jeff: What if you're the unwitting target of a ninja vendetta, and he returns tonight to strangle you with his nunchuks?
Chuck: That's super, Jeff. Thanks for thinking outside the box on that one. Here I thought I couldn't get any more freaked out.

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Chuck: Hi. Uhh, phone trouble again?
Sarah: Yeah, I'm not sure I'm able to receive calls... because I never got one from you.

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Sarah: I was wondering if you'd show me around... that is, if you're free?
Morgan: He's free. He's got nothing but time on his hands. He's very available.
Chuck: Apparently, my schedule's wide open.

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Chuck: Do you like music?
Sarah: I guess.
Chuck: You guess? What's your favorite band?
Sarah: Uhh...
Chuck: Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.
Sarah: God, I'm not funny, I don't listen to music... this must be your worst date ever, right? (pause) I was waiting for you to say no.
Chuck: Sorry, I kinda zoned out there for a second. No, no, no, no! God, no. I've had much worse dates... experiences overall, with women. In eleventh grade...
Sarah: Eleventh grade? Oh, you have to go back that far? Come on!
Chuck: I don't date that much.

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Sarah: So wait, you call him Captain Awesome?
Chuck: Yeah, wait till you meet him. Everything he does is awesome. Climbing mountains, jumping out of planes, flossing....
Sarah: That's funny.
Chuck: I'm a funny guy!
Sarah: Clearly. Which is good, 'cause I'm not funny.
Chuck: Is that your big secret, by the way? Because I've been sitting here trying to figure out what's wrong with you.
Sarah: Oh, plenty, believe me.
Chuck: And I was thinking either she's a cannibal or she's really not that funny... and I was pulling for cannibal because I've never met one before.
Sarah: Uhh... not a cannibal.

~

Casey: Don't puke on the C4....

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Chuck: Hi, my name is Charles Bartowski, but you can call me Chuck. Those are my shoes, this is my life. It's filled with spies, car chases, computer-stealing ninjas, and me saving the day.

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[Casey tackles a shoplifter]
Chuck: Casey, Casey, Casey! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's just a video game, okay?! Lives are not in danger and the country is still safe!
Morgan: Wow. The guy's been here 24 hours and taking the job way more seriously than me.
Chuck: That's because he's crazy.

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Ellie: Wait a second! Morgan has met her and I haven't?
Morgan: Well, he confides in me, Ellie. He tells me his deepest darkest secrets...which you could too, by the way.
Ellie: Here's one. I loathe you.
Chuck: That's not a secret.

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Sarah: When the images start, just say what they are.
Chuck: That's it?
Casey: I'm sure you'll find a way to screw it up.

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Ellie: I just really like Sarah. And I hope you guys work things out before the next dinner party, of course.
Chuck: I dunno, sis, I really think I blew it.
Ellie: Look, Chuck, just try apologizing. It goes a long way.

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Chuck: I need to ask you a favor, and feel free to say no, and by that I mean say no. But... uh... could you fix Morgan up with Carina? Make sure you really exaggerate "no" so they can lip read it. They're a little lame, but I think they can crack "no"
Sarah: You know, that is a great idea.
Chuck: No, it's not. No is the answer. You're supposed to say no.

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Chuck: How am I supposed to know that Carina has a remote control jet ski? It's usually not an option in real life!

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Morgan: Hey, Chuck?
Chuck: Yes, Morgan?
Morgan: You know what? If our relationships don't work out, it's okay, 'cause we got each other, don't we?
Chuck: That's really, really sad.
Morgan: I know.

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Morgan: I don't have time for this, I'm a very busy man-boy.

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Lou: I like you. I like almost everything about you. I think you're cute, you're funny. Our vast height difference intrigues me. But want to know what I don't like?
Chuck: Very, very much.
Lou: I think anyone who cheats on his girlfriend is a big, fat, stupid jackass.
Chuck: Exactly, I concur.
Lou: Of course you do, which is why I like you. Why don't we do this, okay? If your situation ever gets less complicated, you just let me know. Okay?

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Chuck: No shooting! No shooting! I'm susceptible to bullets!

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Bryce: Is this your place?
Chuck: Ellie and I live here, yeah.
Bryce: You live with your sister? What happened? Chuck, what happened to you? The guy who wanted to be the software billionaire? Bill Gates with style.
Chuck: You got me kicked out of Stanford, Bryce!

~

Chuck: Isn't it somebody else's turn to be the human shield?

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Ellie: Awesome, right?
Devon: Gives me a chill when you say it, babe!

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Chuck: Casey! Casey, hey, hey, hey, wait up! I just had the mother-load of all bad guy flashes.
Casey: Who are they?
Chuck: Mostly Russian, all traveling under aliases, fake passports.
Casey: These are arms dealers, money launderers, black market smugglers.
Chuck: Yeah, apparently they're all having a douch bag convention down at the Grand Seville.

~

Chuck: Just Breath, Casey, breath, breath...or growl. Growling also works. Very good. Very, very good.

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Chuck: C'mon, buddy! Just give me something, anything. Where's she from or where did you two meet?
Casey: Why is this so important to you, Chuck? Why the hell do you care so much about me and Ilsa?
Chuck: I don't...I don't know, man, okay. I think it would be nice to know you had a life before...this. I just figured if a guy like you could find love...no offense, Casey...then maybe there's hope for me, too. Maybe this whole spy business isn't as screwed up as I think it is.
Casey: Mmmm.
Chuck: Mmmm? That's...Okay, you know what? You wanna go through life emotionally constipated and alone, than suit yourself. I'll let you get back to protecting the greater good, you freakin' robot!
Casey: I met her in flower market in Rome. Ilsa was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
Chuck: I knew it! It's alive!

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Casey: Let the geek go!
Sarah: Wait! Not out the window!
Casey: Aren't we picky!
Sarah: Why didn't you stay in the car?
Chuck: You know what? It's never safe in the car!

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Chuck: I don't think I'm really cut out for a job where you disarm a bomb, steal a diamond, and then jump off a building.
Sarah: Well, you could have fooled me.
Chuck: That's very kind of you to say, but I'm pretty sure my girlish screams in the face of danger gave me away.

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Chuck: Those pea-shooters your holding may as well be sharp sticks and strong language.
Goons: Nothing there boss. Looks clear.
Colt [laughs]: Good try, Chuck.
Chuck: Of course you don't see any one. Who do you think we are, the FBI? The only thing you're going to see is a muzzle flash, followed by an E Ticket straight to hell.

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Morgan: Before you go running off to change the world, I think that I should tell you that I'm currently on my way to securing 45 Twinkies. Now, by which I mean 45 bags of Twinkies.
Chuck: Why would you do that?
Morgan: Good question. Because Jeff said he'd all of them in under 3 minutes. Now he thinks he's eating 45, but technically speaking he agreed to eat 90.
Chuck: Ninety? Nobody can eat 90 Twinkies.
Morgan: That's what I said. He may die! Or at least do extreme damage to several major organs!
Chuck [thoughtful]: This I have to see!
Casey: Good to see you, Bartowski.
Chuck: Hey, Casey, 90 Twinkies in three minutes. Be there.
Morgan: Jeff might die!

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Chuck: I can't believe this is my life. Morgan, do you remember a time when I actually had potential?
Morgan: Are you kidding me? Yeah, you were bursting with it! Man, I'm glad that's over with!

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Chuck: Oh, my God! Maybe I should wait in the car. I'm still having nightmares about the last few dead bodies.

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Chuck: Well, it may not be the steamiest, but we probably have the strangest relationship in Los Angeles.
Sarah: I doubt that. Morgan is still dating, right?
Chuck: Good point.

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Chuck: I doubt Chuck Bartowski's going to be charming anyone.
Sarah: Why not? Worked on me.

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Chuck: Abort mission. Extraction required. The Intersect has been compromised.
Casey: Negative. Perimeter is secure.
Chuck: I'm talking about the weirdo inside the Buy More!

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Ellie: Honey, do you think my brother's on drugs?
Devon: That would explain a lot.

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Chuck: GLA? Sure, they've sent probes to every planet except Pluto. Although, Pluto's not officially a planet anymore, which really bums me out.

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Chuck: Code Red! Code Red! Redder than red! It is the reddest! It is the reddest of all hues! We are Defcon One, or Five or whichever means 'Hurry' - right now!

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Casey: You know, I survived three wars without so much as losing a fingernail before I met you Bartowski!

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Beckman: I'm sure you're wondering why would someone want Tyler Martin dead.
Chuck: Not really. I mean, have you heard his music? It's overly produced, the lyrics are completely banal. I mean, Facebook even has a group called I Want To Kill Tyler Martin. Not that I'm a member. I wouldn't ever... That's just wrong.

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Tyler: I may be a rum-soaked narcissist, but I am also the best wingman you will ever have.

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Bolonia Grimes: I have a son.
Big Mike: Oh, well, so what? I love kids.
Bolonia Grimes: He's 26 years old. I thought you found out. I thought that's why you wanted to meet here in the store.
Big Mike: I don't follow.
Bolonia Grimes: Michael, my son works here.
Big Mike: Please, Lord, let it be Bartowski.
Morgan: Mother?

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Chuck [seeing Jeff's van]: Whoa! What is this place?
Lester: Whatever our friend Jeffrey here doesn't guzzle down his throat, he spends on spy gear. Incredible, right?
Chuck: Incredibly creepy.

~

Casey: See if the skin covered robot flashes on anything
Chuck: What, is that supposed to be me? That's real nice....I've been thinking.
Casey: Stop that.

~

Chuck: Jeff, I don't understand anything that just came out of your mouth, The truth is, I don't care. I know that you think my concerns are no bigger than the weekend weather or whatever's new in the snack machine, but I have the weight of the damn world on my shoulders, so if you don't mind, figure out your own crap!

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Chuck: Well, at least no one's telling us to --
Casey: You heard the general – stay in the bunker.
Chuck: And there it is.

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Casey [to Sarah]: We're dead. Bartowski's got a gun.

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Cole: You did great tonight, Chuck.
Chuck: Thanks, you were your usual super human self.

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Sarah: We could run. You and me. We go now and never look back.
Chuck: Are you serious?
Sarah: I have some money saved up. I'd have to get us some new identities. Create an escape route. For now go to the training facility in Prague. Then meet me in the Nadrazzi Train Station in 3 weeks time at 7:00. And then I can figure out the rest later.
Chuck: What are you saying?
Sarah: I'm saying I want to be a real person again, with you. That's what you want, right? I mean this is it, Chuck. Will you run away with me?
Chuck: Yeah.

~

Casey: Poor bastard.
Sarah: Who?
Casey: Moron is still in love with you.
Sarah: I promise you Casey, he is not in love with me.
Casey: Oh, come on. I don't know what happened between the two of you, don't want to. Just saying, I've seen men have their finger nails pulled off treated more humanely that you did that kid.
Sarah: Well, I was just doing my job.
Casey: Job's over. Put him out of his misery. He deserves that much.

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Hannah: Wait. This Morgan person is real? This store you work in, it actually exists?
Chuck: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes, to both of those things. Although, even personally, I have quite often wondered if the Buy More was an insane asylum.

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Chuck: So, uh, that first day you came into the Buy More, when we first met, what did they tell you about me?
Casey: What do you think? You hadn't had a date in over a year, and they don't waste the blondes on just anyone.
Chuck: Uh, it hadn't been a year, okay, thanks.
Sarah: They thought you and I could connect.
Chuck: I remember you left me your card, so I could call you, so we could go out. Felt like I was having the luckiest day of my life. God, I was pathetic.
Sarah: No, you were sweet and innocent. I liked you. It made it much harder.

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Morgan: But Chuck and Sarah and you, Casey, you showed me that I could be so much more, that I'm meant for something - to be a spy. What about you? What do you have left in the tank? What do you want to be when you grow up?

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Morgan: Chuck! We've got a problem, bro, Sarah knows about Shaw. Yeah, yeah, I broke, man. Your lady is really intimidating!

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Casey: Conference will be surrounded by an army of security agents. Filled with spies. Suicide mission.
Chuck: The only ones who could pull it off would have to be the best spies in the world.
Morgan: Chuck, you're embarrassing me.
Sarah: We can do it.
Chuck: We better. It's Shaw. We don't have a choice.
Casey: Yeah. Let's go get some payback.

~

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Chuck [on a call]: They put his tracker on a what? No. God, no! Don't shoot it! [to Sarah] They took off his tracker and put it on a cat.

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Casey [calling the Buy More]: Casey. Code red. I've been drugged. Don't know how long I can stay conscious. Need extraction. In an alley. 4th and Hill. I'll be in a dumpster.
Jeff: Don't worry, Casey. I know that dumpster!
Casey: Wait! Who is this? Where's Chuck?
Jeff: We're on our way!

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Wheelwright: After a while I gave in. Surrendered to my insanity, and now I'm not scared of anything. What scares you Chuck?
Chuck: Ahhh! Everything! Everything! Almost everything. Make it stop! Make it stop! Somebody turn it off!
Sarah: Chuck, listen to me, it's all in your head. You need to fight it.
Chuck: I'm trying, but it's horrible. This is exactly why I don't see scary movies, and I stick mainly to the PG-13 region.

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Sarah: How did you find me?
Morgan: How did we find you? Half of Thailand is talking about the giant blonde she-male that's tearing through their town. Are you kidding me?

~

Morgan: I don't know. I mean, since he lost the Intersect, the proposal plan got put on hold.
Sarah: Why? Did he think I wouldn't want to marry him without the Intersect? Is that how I made him feel?
Morgan: No. No! Chuck knew that... Chuck knows that you love him, Sarah, okay? It's just, you're kind of a big fish, you know? And to a regular guy with no supercomputer in his brain, I gotta think that's pretty intimidating.
Sarah: That's not the reason why I love Chuck. I want to spend the rest of my life with Chuck - with or without the Intersect.
Morgan: That's fantastic! That's great. Yeah, and he knows that right? Because you told him?

~

Anad Chenerad: It's amazing what a woman would do to find a husband. Even the toughest spies in the world are just racing against that biological clock. Tick, tick, tick, tock.
Sarah: You got me. I'm just a needy, love-crazed girl on a husband hunt - who's trained in over 200 ways to kill you.... Afraid yet?

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Morgan: You and me locked and loaded training for hand to hand combat!
Chuck: Remember, I had six month training in Prague.
Morgan: This is different now, this is Chuck unplugged.
Chuck: Wow, it sounds kinda hardcore when you say it like that.

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Mary [to Volkoff]: The truth is, my husband alive or dead, will always be ten times the man you are.

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Sarah: By the way, for the record, I will not at any point during this mission be dressing as a belly dancer.

~

Sarah: Chuck, if you get us caught because you sneeze, we are officially the worst spies in the world.
Chuck: I know. Bad Three Stooges. I get it... and I won't, but man, it is dusty.

~

Roan Montgomery: So, last I saw you two you were a young, exciting couple - chasing, flirting. Now, the silent treatment. Sexy.
Chuck: If you must know, we are very much in love, happy, and soon to be married. We're just... having a bit of a disagreement right now... and the ball and chain isn't helping.
Sarah: Are you calling me a ball and chain?
Chuck: There's a ball and ch... there's an actual ball and chain here. Do you not see this on the ground attached to my leg? Ball and chain!

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Chuck: You know that I'm not the kind of guy who says things like this, but... whatever it is that you thought you needed to hide... not telling me the truth, going out on your own like that, I think it was... a mistake. I think that you were wrong.
Sarah: You're right. When Ryker captured me in Budapest, I kept thinking; why am I doing it this way? Why do I feel like I have to do everything on my own? But it's what my dad taught me. It's the way the CIA taught me; that you can only ever trust yourself. But the truth is that I trust you completely, and I want to tell you everything.

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Chuck: Casey, wait! Quinn didn't get the Intersect, we did it. We took down his team, okay, let's call Beckman, call the authorities. Tell 'em where he is, but let's be done. Can't we just be done? We survived our last mission, let's leave behind the Intersect and everyone involved with it, and be done.
Casey: Okay. We're done.

~

Jeff: Lester, something really weird is up.
Lester: Yeah. Last thing I remember is that there's something going on underneath the Buy More. Yeah, that's right, with Bartowski, Grimes, Casey and that whore-y blonde.
Jeff: We've got to get to the bottom of this!

~

Chuck: It just seems like no matter what, the Intersect keeps finding me. I keep trying to break free, and the very thing that started this keeps hooking us back in.

Chuck Versus the Goodbye

Chuck: I tried to get her to remember me and it didn't work. I can't get her to fall in love with me again.
Ellie: Chuck, it's clear that we can't force Sarah to remember, but emotions, feelings, those are powerful things. And if you can find Sarah, you can spark some of these memories.
Chuck: Really?
Ellie: She fell in love with you before, Chuck. You can do it again. She'll remember.

~

Morgan: What about Chuck and Sarah? Liability, too, right? Good. By all means, lock 'em up, throw away the key, lock away your feelings, too; forget everything that we've been through, and you be ruthless.
Casey: You just don't understand, do you? I got soft. I lost my edge.
Morgan: Your team was your edge, you giant jackass! What is wrong with you, man? You want to find Quinn? You know who to call, but don't you dare try to blame this on us because you're afraid. That's right, you're afraid that with us, that's when you're the best, and that's the truth, man.

~

Morgan: Kiss her. Grab this woman and kiss her. Just kiss her.
Chuck: That's the whole plan?
Morgan: Yeah, pretty much. And, yes, I've been watching a ton of Disney princess movies with baby Clara, but... I firmly believe, with all my heart, that one magical kiss from you could unlock all of Sarah's memories. I do.